Thirty-teen: Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend
“Teenage angst has paid off well/ now I’m bored and old.” – Nirvana, “Serve the Servants”
Sleeping too much or not at all… same with eating. I’ll go all day without eating then binge on ice cream when I should be in bed. I feel sad for no reason and the things that brought me joy typically don’t even begin to scratch the surface of my emotions lately. I am trying my best, but I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. What do I want to be when I grow up anyway?
I’m 36 but it’s like I’ve been revisited by teen angst. Time to cue the Nirvana playlist and pull my Chuck Taylor’s back out of the closet. At least the grunge flannel look is back in vogue.
In a less-than-enjoyable experience of deja vu from my teen years, I have found my depression and anxiety issues have come roaring back with a vengeance in my thirties. Different decade of my life; same emotionally excruciating experience, lack of direction and social awkwardness. Some things never change, apparently.
I was first diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety when I was about 13 years old. Most of my teen years I was in some type of therapy and/or trying some different type of medications to try to get to the root of the problem and curb the symptoms. I had a brief reprieve in my 20’s but it came back with a fury after having my two kids. After some time in a hospital and some time in therapy and on meds, I got it under control.
I suppose depression is not limited to a certain age. For people with this brain disorder, it can come back whenever. But it feels like the growing pains of my teens being revisited. Living at home with my parents again, trying to have success at school, feeling pressure to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life … these are all factors.
I know I’ll get on top of it. I have kids now, and they help give me a sense of purpose and direction that I didn’t have back then. They give me a will to live that I had lacked at 18 years of age, and for that I’m grateful.
Cycles might occur repeatedly in our lives, but we do have the power to break them, and that’s what is going to get me through this.