Category Archives: friendship

Pete

Found out you were gone today.

Fire, rain, alwimage1_2280ays

thought I’d see you again,

and so on.

But if I do,

it will be at your funeral now

before they put you in the ground.

Today,

you’re gone.

You were my friend

For years.

You had Ken-doll perfect hair and

rolled the best blunts

in grape wraps,

You were argumentative as hell,

used to piss me off like no other,

and make comments

about my breasts.

But not in a creepy way –

you made me laugh.

You were kind of

abrasive,

So was our entire

dysfunctional family though.

Once when you were

working with Eric,

the site didn’t have a restroom,

he had to piss in a Gatorade bottle,

and he put the bottle in

the trash box

and

you drank a big swig of it.

Who does that –

drinks a bottle out of the trash?

Pete, that’s who.

It was the funniest

event that year

and I laughed til I cried.

And now I’m crying

grief this time.

You’re gone

forever.

You were my friend

before our demons

pulled us apart.

Let’s have a smoke on the other side

when it’s my turn,

I will bring the grape wrap.

Rest in peace.

Untitled Lullaby

There are still good people out there,
my Love,
Don’t let yourself forget it
As you read of the tragedies and travesties many participate in
Willingly.
There are still good people, my Love.
Don’t let the fear paint you into a corner.
When you think you are alone in a dark place,
You can see the spark of kindness in the eyes of a stranger working behind the counter at the gas station,
Selling cigarettes, smiling at you like humans do.
Not the seeing-through-you glare that industrialization has nurtured in many.
When you hold the door open for someone else,
Look into their eyes for real and
Let them know too.

Budgetary Notice

I think it’s time to say goodbye to you.

Not that you will know, because I am not going to tell you, and I sincerely doubt you will notice for a while. At least, not until there is something you need from me. I hope I am strong enough to let my silence speak for me then, because you do not deserve to know what is in my heart and mind anymore.

I view relationships in an economic sense. When deciding what relationships I can take on, I look at my emotional “budget” and what I can afford to invest. While this may sound a bit cold, I think this is a smart way to operate, because our relationships truly are investments we make, and we pay in the form of time and emotional energy. Sometimes we see returns, and sometimes, we don’t, and if we are lucky, we at least break even. If we are not so lucky, we suffer a loss and are forced to absorb it. These losses often cause us to pull funding from other projects we have invested in, and can substantially impact other unrelated outcomes. Like that break-up that I struggled with last year, when it became hard for me to speak to anyone, even my close friends, for a little while.

And then, of course, there are the times when investments pay off, wildly, beautifully.

My budget for us is blown and I am pulling the plug and taking all funding away from the friendship I have spent the last few years making investments in, the one with you. Notice my wording – investments I have been making. Because, let’s face it, this has been a pretty one-sided relationship. I gave it time to see if this was truth or if it was my insecurity and neurotic personality traits coming through, because I know my limitations and realize that this happens at times. And there were times that it seemed you reciprocated. Time was needed to track patterns and to eventually use this data to forecast our possible outcome.

I knew there was an aloof coldness and emotional stinginess about you, but some could say the same about me. This alone is not an indication that a person is unable to be loved. So I decided to monitor the status of things between us for a while, invest only a small amount periodically, what I could spare if need be, and wait and see what the long-term outcome was. I saw some really wonderful things about you, the way you think, your sense of integrity, your critical thinking skills, and your sharp witted sense of humor. I still think that it was worth it to attempt to nurture things and see what the outcome was, and I wouldn’t go back and change my mind if I could. It was worth trying, I believe. Any kind of love or finance is usually a gamble.

Over the course of months, I noticed some patterns, ones that, quite frankly, didn’t bode well for the future of our project together. The frequency of your energetic investments seemed to peak during the times when there was something you needed from me, specifically. You only seemed to respond to me around the times when there was something you needed from me. My connections, my love and concern, my company; these are all resources you called upon when it suited you. Surely you had noticed that I was pretty consistent in my affection and fondness of you, and you seemed pretty comfortable with benefitting from it when it worked for you. Damn right I was consistent – I stand behind my investments with diligence. I don’t do things half-assed.

Some things in my life kind of hit the skids. I needed to draw from some of my investments in order to have resources to navigate some trying times. About 95% of my other projects had equity to fund me through this rough time, thank goodness, and I was able to manage.

Yours was not one of them. You were nowhere to be found. And now, you must go.

I admit it is with some sadness that I cut this whole thing off. It’s hard to walk away. I really liked you and wanted to have you in my life, as childishly simple a statement like that may be. It’s the truth. But the facts are there, black and white and undeniable. I have always been more invested in this than you were. It’s not equitable for me. Why should I keep pumping funds into you, a project that is happy to eat my energy and love but is unwilling to reciprocate? That’s foolish, and really, quite embarrassing.

I am sure eventually there will be another message from you, some text or something, when you want something from me. It will start off as a hello, then a “Hey, can you…” I will remind myself to hold back that good-natured part of myself, the puppy part of me who is always so glad to see a friend and jumps on them and covers them with kisses. No puppy kisses for you anymore, sorry, love. No reply for you.

When it comes to our relationship, I’m spent. Cashed out.

Good luck to you out there. Maybe someone else will see your potential the way I did, and maybe this time, you will appreciate it and recognize the value there, instead of ignoring it like you did with me, and throwing your resources into some shoddy scheme like I have watched you do many times.

Some people do not have the sense for emotional high finance.